


What's In a Name?

by debirlfan



Category: Allstate Insurance "Mayhem" Commercials
Genre: Gen, Mention of natural disasters, Mention of unnatural disasters, Politicians behaving badly
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-15
Updated: 2019-06-15
Packaged: 2020-05-12 05:26:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,065
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19222516
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/debirlfan/pseuds/debirlfan
Summary: Mayhem, past and present. It's not (always) his fault.





	What's In a Name?

**Author's Note:**

  * For [ANGSWIN](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ANGSWIN/gifts).



Hi. My name is Mayhem. Well, technically my name is Dick. My father was a big Dick Tracy fan, and insisted on naming me after his favorite detective. Unfortunately, my surname is Short. Hence, I became Dick Tracy Short. Of course, nobody uses middle names, do they? Which makes me Dick Short. Kinda hard to get dates with a name like that, never mind the kids in the boy's room laughing and telling me that I'd better stand closer. But, after a few...um...incidents as a child, I got tagged with the Mayhem nickname and it stuck. Not that I really mind, after all, Dick Short, right? Yeah, all things considered, Mayhem isn't so bad.

I've always been a little accident prone, even when I was a kid. Thing is, it was never the sort of accidents that most kids have, and sometimes it wasn't even my fault. Falling off my bike or knocking a hot kettle off the stove? No, never anything like that. For example, when I was a baby, my mother lost her grip on my stroller, and it rolled down the hill and into the middle of an intersection. It caused a multi-car pileup. Five cars and a bus were totaled, but everyone missed the stroller and I never got a scratch. That was my first brush with mayhem. It wouldn't be the last.

When I was five, I climbed the oak tree in the front yard. Before you ask, no, I didn't fall. I got stuck, and I don't mean stuck in the sense of “afraid to come down,” I mean it in the sense of my leg wedged between two branches and I couldn't get it loose. My parents called the fire department, and they called an arborist. The arborist came with a bucket truck, and when they started to raise the bucket, they hit the power line. Luckily, no one was hurt, but it took out a transformer and the neighborhood didn't have power for three days. As I remember it, that's when I got the Mayhem nickname.

Things only got worse as I got older. They sent me to a shrink to see if the “accidents” were something I was doing either intentionally or subconsciously, thinking it was a way to seek attention. While I was there, I tripped over a loose carpet and knocked the doctor's bookcase over. Medical journals and potted plants flying everywhere. She told my parents not to bring me back. 

A few weeks after I got my driver's license, I accidentally backed into my neighbor's mailbox. Now, normally that wouldn't be a big deal. An apology, a quick trip to Home Depot and an hour installing a new box, and everything would be fine. Unfortunately, I backed over the box just after the mail carrier had stopped, on the day they delivered a package from the neighbor's great aunt. A package that contained a family heirloom tea cup and saucer, a gift for the daughter's wedding. You know that glue they advertise on television that will supposedly fix anything? Trust me, it won't. 

I'll take the blame on that one. I should have used the rear view camera when I backed up. There's been a few other things that probably were my fault, too. I mean, they warn you not to use a turkey fryer inside, but it was only just barely inside the garage overhang, and it was really pouring out. Everyone knows water and oil don't mix, and I didn't want to get splattered by rain dripping into the hot oil. And yeah, maybe I should have put up signs or something before I drained the pool that time.

It's not all my fault, though. I can't cause a tornado, or a hurricane, or a flood. (Well, maybe that one flood in the basement, after I disconnected the wrong pipe, but that's not what I meant.) Natural disasters seem to follow me around. I lived in the Midwest as a kid, we had tornadoes. I moved to Florida, we had hurricanes and floods. In 2011 I moved to the District of Columbia. Three months later there was an earthquake nearby in Virginia. Virginia doesn't have freaking earthquakes! At least, they didn't until I moved there.

You probably wonder how, with a history like mine, I ended up working for Allstate. The simple answer is that I pretty much have to work for an insurance company. It's the only way I can get coverage. As an employee, they have to cover me, and I can serve as a “worst case scenario” to the customers, to show them that whatever happens, Allstate has them covered. 

Case in point, last week I was driving home from an insurance seminar on distracted driving when some horrid song by Justin Timberlake came on the radio. I glanced down to try and find a decent CD. (Yes, I know. Perfect example of why you shouldn't drive distracted. Do as I say, not as I do.) I didn't realize the minivan in front of me had stopped at a red light, and when I looked up, it was too late to stop. I hit the minivan squarely in the back and shoved it out into the path of crossing traffic, which just happened to be a garbage truck. 

So, the garbage truck swerved to avoid the minivan, lost control, ran up on the curb and flipped. Trash came spilling out of the top, and as luck would have it, a Mercedes was passing at just that moment. More precisely, a Mercedes convertible. A white Mercedes convertible belonging to a senator, who was on his way back from a long lunch (if you know what I mean) with a pretty young congressional aide who was most definitely not his wife. 

Guess where the garbage landed? Oh, and did I mention that the truck's last pickup had been at an Italian restaurant, and that there was a bucket of leftover spaghetti sauce on the very top of the load? It made quite a splash.

Anyhow, yeah, I got a ticket, and even with my employee discount, my insurance rates are bound to go up. But the look on the Senator's face when the local television station's news truck showed up? That was more than worth the increase.

Mayhem. It's not just a name. It's a way of life.


End file.
